So close but not that close

85 MORE DAYS, blares one of my many wedding apps. Summer is (technically) gone and the autumn months are all I have before my early January extravaganza.

Visions of votive candles and wedding favors dance in my head.

I dream (almost nightly) of unmailed invitations, cancelled caterers and last minute plus-ones.

I am so close to being done with this whole beautiful mess (the knot newsletters are getting scary) and yet I can't help feeling like I'm not even close to having everything finished.

I have things pending that won't allow me to move forward until they are taken care of. So I feel like in a sort of limbo waiting on other people. THIS IS WHY I AM A CONTROL FREAK, Not because other people can't do it right, but because other people have other stuff to do. I do not. This is my sole priority in life right now. 

I think grooms made up dessert tasting as a way to talk brides down from the proverbial ledge...

After mid-January I'll go back to being a normal person, I promise.

Here come the dreams!

Last night I had a "nightmare" that everyone in my wedding party was late so Drew had to walk me down the aisle. The band played the wrong songs, people showed up and I had to start over, and I couldn't find my something blue!

I've heard this will happen...

I'm hoping naively that this was the first and last of them.

I'm now writing down all these strange possibilities and the counter options on how to solve them.

I WILL CONQUER!!

Wanted: my sanity back

No one tells you how stressful planning a wedding is.

I mean everyone tells you but they don't tell you what kind of stress it will be.

After much prayer and anger and tears and frustration and disappointment and laughter and throwing in the towel and picking the towel back up again and midnight snacks and Disney movies and fights (ironically none with my fiance), I have been at this for three months and still don't really have anything concrete.

Because I have an inherent problem with needing to please those that are closest to me, I tend to change my mind, not stick up for myself, question my self-worth self-adequacy (?)... to a point where I don't really make important decisions unless every single person is on board.

Everyone means well with their opinions and concerns and  and I know this but when it comes down to it, I'm going to be the one people come up to at the wedding and ask, "Allison, why is your wedding in the alley behind your house??"

On one hand, I'm very independent. Growing up with four brothers and no sisters molded me into someone satisfied to sit inside and play cards while the boys played rough. I have a great "calm in the middle of the storm" face. I'm awesome under any kind of pressure at work or school. I'm a great follower. And leaders need followers. I'm great at being the leader's cheerleader.

But on the other hand, I'm completely dependent on my family. I have no idea what I'm doing with this. I've been thrown into a leader's position and I don't know if I really want it. No amount of reading etiquette on weddings has helped me through this. I thought this part of my life was supposed to be wonderful and romantic and exciting.

My sister-in-law told me last night, "every couple, at some point during the engagement, go through a phase of 'let's just elope.'"

Well, if everyone has gone through this, I am so sorry to every bride I never helped out. I'm sorry I didn't plan a spa day for the two of us or throw a party for you to just sit there and let everyone tell you how your hair falling out and your extra water weight looks great on you.

Well I think I've complained enough. If you need me, you can find me behind a stack of bridal magazines crying for the 12th time that I don't know how to pick the right forks that will make everyone happy.

-Allison, bride to be, seriously considering creating a foundation for the sanity of brides.

PS. I've looked at the alley in the back and it's booked that day. Trash pick-up and tree trimming.

Bridezilla

Okay I admit. I had it. I had my one and only (hopefully) Bridezilla moment.

The other day we went to go look at the church where we will be getting married and met with the coordinator. She's sort of our liaison to the church.

Well anyway, I was very excited about so many ideas I've had and she shot every single one down! (I won't go into detail now just in case I can sneak them in without her knowing and I don't want to ruin the awesome surprise)  By the end I was so frustrated I was seriously considering changing venues. That was until my bank account reminded me that I couldn't be so demanding.

When we got back to Andrew's house, I had my moment and he quietly sat there knowing I just had to get through it.

I'm still not past a lot of the things I want. I feel like they aren't just meaningless wants but truly justifiable needs...

People keep telling me, "This is your wedding, do what you want."

How come as soon as I decide to do what I want, I get shot down?

I promise I'll clean it up!

He is 1 Corinthians 13

He is patient
-----And I push his limits daily

He is kind
-----He has the heart for others I wish I had

He does not envy
-----He trusts me completely

He does not boast
-----Unless it's about me

He is not proud
-----There is no job that he believes he is better than

He does not dishonor others
-----He encourages his friends instead of mocking them or bashing their ideas

He is not self seeking
-----Others boast about him

He is not easily angered
-----He is so easy going... and he makes me laugh so much

He keeps no record of wrongs
-----He forgives and never brings it up again

He does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth
-----When he proposed, he said the first thing he noticed about me was my noble spirit

He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
-----He prays for me, He trusts in Him, He talks about our future, and is the hardest worker I know.

OUR LOVE WILL NEVER FAIL

Can someone else make decisions for me?

I have "bridal block".

I'm sure that's a thing.

Whenever I make a decision on what I want for the wedding, then go to pay for it, the amount is so much more than I usually spend on things that I rear back on my haunches and snap the credit card away from the counter (figuratively, of course, I'm not a rude shopper) 

It's mostly window shopping anyway right now but everything seems so expensive for just one day! 

I will say that Pinterest has jaded me into thinking my wedding will never be perfect without the perfect cake, the gorgeous rows of lights, the antique-looking everything, and the cute cutout signs displaying where cards should go, where the dance floor is, and what side you should sit on.

What did people do before Pinterest??

I guess I am just having buyer's remorse before I even put the payment down.

Emergency Bag

Maybe I'm new and naive about being a bride, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm a pro at being a bridesmaid.

No, really. I'm awesome. I've got the walk down, the pretty smile, and best of all, the emergency bag.

"What's that?" you ask...

I'll show you!

1. Safety pins (can't tell you how many times we've used these)
2. Toothpicks
3. Pads and Tampons (cuz, well, you know)
4. Q-Tips
5. Hand Sanitizer
6. Hair Spray, hair pins, hair tie
7. Tums, Pain Killers, Vitamins
8. Protein Bars!
9. Candy (Even the officiant needed a sugar rush the last wedding I was in)
10. Pens
11. Lotion
12. Sunscreen
13. scissors, nail file, nail clippers, tweezers
14. Mirror (but what is better is you constantly telling the bride how gorgeous she looks
15. Chapstick and Lip gloss and back-up makeup
16. Batteries
17. Phone Charger
18. Tissues
19. Mints



If you have any more let me know and I'll add it to my bag!

I'm always hungry

Well, after a week of someone else's wedding taking a demanding front row seat in my life and an adorable toddler running around my room finding things I had thought I'd lost 6 months ago, I'm ready to start back in on my own planning.

Where did I leave off?

Oh right...

THE FOOD!!!

Hands down, the most important thing to me (aside from marrying the love of my life) is the food. I want food the entire day. People try to tell me I won't be eating and will be too stressed to even think about food.

To which I reply politely, "you must be new to my life." I always want food. I'm obsessed with finding new goodies and I have die-hard favorites that I can always fall back on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a little *ahem* a lot picky.

I don't like cheese (I know I know). I don't care for mushrooms or curry. And I never really have liked sausages.

But I love all other veggies, and meat, and starch. I'm excited to try unconventional wedding food. Food trucks? Farmer's Markets? Mom and Pop catering? Bring it on...

Let the tastings begin!

Wedding Photographers

Question- How do you feel about your wedding photographer?

My question is sensitive for a few reasons:

1. My photographer will probably read this post.
2. I know of several people, although many years have passed since their wedding, who are still really upset with theirs and the photos that came to pass during their special day.
3. I'm a little jaded with photographs of "the perfect day" and am not sure how much I care about having them.


I know that in 40 years, I will want to have something to show my grand kids about that crazy event that ended the war in Iraq and rendered all weddings illegal in 45 states and closed down social media for 36 hours straight... but I'd rather just retell it in my animated, wild-eyed way, making them imagine it with their minds instead of seeing them on yellowed old computer screens we found in the basement among the pile of iPhones, toilets before they were all remote controlled, and those things we called books.

Linen? or Lace?

Finding the perfect wedding dress was the last thing on my mind today.

If you know me at all, you'll know that I would have been happy walking down the aisle in sweats. But to make everyone happy, I decided to keep the surprise appointment my almost sister-in-law made for me and try on a few. I only wanted to get an idea of what would look good and what shape fit me best.

There are so many shapes!

Ball Gown, Mermaid, Fit and Flair, A-line... just to name a few that I remember.

After trying the first one on though, it was like magic. I was suddenly a bride. I know they say "you'll feel it" but I didn't believe it. Suddenly I had gone from the nerd in glasses to a bride in white.

I won't tell you if I found the one today but I will say I was blown away by the feeling you get in one of those gowns. I was really a princess for a few minutes.

Coffee and Donuts

One time, in the early stages of our relationship, Andrew called me around 7 pm one night and told me about a marathon that was going to happen in his city the next morning.

"What?? I can't do that!" I exclaimed, full knowing that this was going to be the end of our relationship if he was going to be this demanding about exercise. 

"No," he reassured me softly, "I was thinking we could wake up early, go get coffee and donuts and sit in lawn chairs watching the runners from my front yard."

I'm gonna marry this man, I knew right then and there.

Which is why, in my own little weird way, I want to have coffee and donuts at my wedding. Probably sans the lawn chairs though.

Linen and Lace- the beginnings

Mostly this blog is to get my thoughts, questions, and unusual number of fears and stresses out and on "paper" and to hopefully get encouraging feedback and opinions, horror stories I can learn from, and advice from people who have already walked down this road.

First things first. I'll tell you guys our story.

I chose the theme "linen and lace" because I believe that truly describes Andrew's and my relationship in a way no other inanimate objects can. Like linen, we are simple, no fuss, no bling and pretty old fashioned. But lace, like our relationship is intricate and unique. It is pretty and nice to look at but not for everyone. And that's okay with me!

Andrew and I started out working at Signal Hill Costco together but in different departments so we never actually met.

In 2009, when the Lakewood Costco opened, we both went to work there and met when he transferred inside to the membership department from the food court. Since I worked on the front end as a cashier and he had to come visit the lines to try to sell upgraded memberships, we started seeing more of each other. Not much happened though until a mutual friend had a birthday party in May of 2010. Andrew asked me to go with him and I said no.

Let me explain.

He was in my line as I was ringing up items for my members while he tried to convince me to go out with him. He ended up involving my line in getting my number. Everyone thought he was adorable and made me do it. Needless to say, I'm glad they did. We went to the party, had a blast, and made another "date" for a week later.

Four years later, a few breakups, tears, laughter and makeups later, he decided to make it official and keep me forever his.

He took me to Big Sur, a place I love as my second home, and proposed on a beautiful cliff beach where, a year before, we had run around in the sand climbing rocks and racing the wind.

Full of pretty things to say about me, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. Of course I said yes yes yes...

Now it's been a few weeks and the excitement, although still extremely present, is a little blurred by the overwhelming stress I suddenly feel for making decisions for 120+ people.

The most popular questions I've gotten so far, to which I only have a nervous smile and a shrug to offer as answer are:

 "What are your colors?"
 "When is the big day?"
 "I'm invited right?"

I do know a few things. My beautiful sisters-in-law will be my bridesmaids along with my life-long bestie as my maid of honor (in a few weeks however, she'll be my matron of honor since she is getting married early May). I know the song that I'm walking down the aisle to, and I know that Andrew is the man that I love in my own, quiet but fiercely loyal way.

So now that you know a little bit about my background, what advice do you have for a very confused and nervous little bride who just wants everyone to be happy?

-9 months till I'm no longer a Mansell,
                     ~ Allison