So close but not that close

85 MORE DAYS, blares one of my many wedding apps. Summer is (technically) gone and the autumn months are all I have before my early January extravaganza.

Visions of votive candles and wedding favors dance in my head.

I dream (almost nightly) of unmailed invitations, cancelled caterers and last minute plus-ones.

I am so close to being done with this whole beautiful mess (the knot newsletters are getting scary) and yet I can't help feeling like I'm not even close to having everything finished.

I have things pending that won't allow me to move forward until they are taken care of. So I feel like in a sort of limbo waiting on other people. THIS IS WHY I AM A CONTROL FREAK, Not because other people can't do it right, but because other people have other stuff to do. I do not. This is my sole priority in life right now. 

I think grooms made up dessert tasting as a way to talk brides down from the proverbial ledge...

After mid-January I'll go back to being a normal person, I promise.

Here come the dreams!

Last night I had a "nightmare" that everyone in my wedding party was late so Drew had to walk me down the aisle. The band played the wrong songs, people showed up and I had to start over, and I couldn't find my something blue!

I've heard this will happen...

I'm hoping naively that this was the first and last of them.

I'm now writing down all these strange possibilities and the counter options on how to solve them.

I WILL CONQUER!!

Wanted: my sanity back

No one tells you how stressful planning a wedding is.

I mean everyone tells you but they don't tell you what kind of stress it will be.

After much prayer and anger and tears and frustration and disappointment and laughter and throwing in the towel and picking the towel back up again and midnight snacks and Disney movies and fights (ironically none with my fiance), I have been at this for three months and still don't really have anything concrete.

Because I have an inherent problem with needing to please those that are closest to me, I tend to change my mind, not stick up for myself, question my self-worth self-adequacy (?)... to a point where I don't really make important decisions unless every single person is on board.

Everyone means well with their opinions and concerns and  and I know this but when it comes down to it, I'm going to be the one people come up to at the wedding and ask, "Allison, why is your wedding in the alley behind your house??"

On one hand, I'm very independent. Growing up with four brothers and no sisters molded me into someone satisfied to sit inside and play cards while the boys played rough. I have a great "calm in the middle of the storm" face. I'm awesome under any kind of pressure at work or school. I'm a great follower. And leaders need followers. I'm great at being the leader's cheerleader.

But on the other hand, I'm completely dependent on my family. I have no idea what I'm doing with this. I've been thrown into a leader's position and I don't know if I really want it. No amount of reading etiquette on weddings has helped me through this. I thought this part of my life was supposed to be wonderful and romantic and exciting.

My sister-in-law told me last night, "every couple, at some point during the engagement, go through a phase of 'let's just elope.'"

Well, if everyone has gone through this, I am so sorry to every bride I never helped out. I'm sorry I didn't plan a spa day for the two of us or throw a party for you to just sit there and let everyone tell you how your hair falling out and your extra water weight looks great on you.

Well I think I've complained enough. If you need me, you can find me behind a stack of bridal magazines crying for the 12th time that I don't know how to pick the right forks that will make everyone happy.

-Allison, bride to be, seriously considering creating a foundation for the sanity of brides.

PS. I've looked at the alley in the back and it's booked that day. Trash pick-up and tree trimming.

Bridezilla

Okay I admit. I had it. I had my one and only (hopefully) Bridezilla moment.

The other day we went to go look at the church where we will be getting married and met with the coordinator. She's sort of our liaison to the church.

Well anyway, I was very excited about so many ideas I've had and she shot every single one down! (I won't go into detail now just in case I can sneak them in without her knowing and I don't want to ruin the awesome surprise)  By the end I was so frustrated I was seriously considering changing venues. That was until my bank account reminded me that I couldn't be so demanding.

When we got back to Andrew's house, I had my moment and he quietly sat there knowing I just had to get through it.

I'm still not past a lot of the things I want. I feel like they aren't just meaningless wants but truly justifiable needs...

People keep telling me, "This is your wedding, do what you want."

How come as soon as I decide to do what I want, I get shot down?

I promise I'll clean it up!

He is 1 Corinthians 13

He is patient
-----And I push his limits daily

He is kind
-----He has the heart for others I wish I had

He does not envy
-----He trusts me completely

He does not boast
-----Unless it's about me

He is not proud
-----There is no job that he believes he is better than

He does not dishonor others
-----He encourages his friends instead of mocking them or bashing their ideas

He is not self seeking
-----Others boast about him

He is not easily angered
-----He is so easy going... and he makes me laugh so much

He keeps no record of wrongs
-----He forgives and never brings it up again

He does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth
-----When he proposed, he said the first thing he noticed about me was my noble spirit

He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
-----He prays for me, He trusts in Him, He talks about our future, and is the hardest worker I know.

OUR LOVE WILL NEVER FAIL

Can someone else make decisions for me?

I have "bridal block".

I'm sure that's a thing.

Whenever I make a decision on what I want for the wedding, then go to pay for it, the amount is so much more than I usually spend on things that I rear back on my haunches and snap the credit card away from the counter (figuratively, of course, I'm not a rude shopper) 

It's mostly window shopping anyway right now but everything seems so expensive for just one day! 

I will say that Pinterest has jaded me into thinking my wedding will never be perfect without the perfect cake, the gorgeous rows of lights, the antique-looking everything, and the cute cutout signs displaying where cards should go, where the dance floor is, and what side you should sit on.

What did people do before Pinterest??

I guess I am just having buyer's remorse before I even put the payment down.

Emergency Bag

Maybe I'm new and naive about being a bride, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm a pro at being a bridesmaid.

No, really. I'm awesome. I've got the walk down, the pretty smile, and best of all, the emergency bag.

"What's that?" you ask...

I'll show you!

1. Safety pins (can't tell you how many times we've used these)
2. Toothpicks
3. Pads and Tampons (cuz, well, you know)
4. Q-Tips
5. Hand Sanitizer
6. Hair Spray, hair pins, hair tie
7. Tums, Pain Killers, Vitamins
8. Protein Bars!
9. Candy (Even the officiant needed a sugar rush the last wedding I was in)
10. Pens
11. Lotion
12. Sunscreen
13. scissors, nail file, nail clippers, tweezers
14. Mirror (but what is better is you constantly telling the bride how gorgeous she looks
15. Chapstick and Lip gloss and back-up makeup
16. Batteries
17. Phone Charger
18. Tissues
19. Mints



If you have any more let me know and I'll add it to my bag!